King of the road...

While the rest of us carp about high gasoline prices, here’s a guy cheerfully spending 900% more than required for fill-ups... If you choose to challenge soon-to-be Dr. Johnathan Marlow on matters of highway mileage, tread carefully and establish exacting parameters. In the “miles per gallon” category, be sure to establish gallons of WHAT.

He’ll likely trump you anyway. His mileage might just as well be calculated as miles per fried catfish, doughnuts, hushpuppies or shrimp. His 2002 Volkswagen New Beetle percolates on “bacon drippings” (and all manner of “grease leavings”) to the tune of 49 MPG. Yes, one can “smell him coming,” and no, his chances of fish-tailing are no greater if the “grease du jour” is from Catfish Corner….

Thanks to an $800 conversion kit he installed in the car trunk--and a makeshift filter contraption set up in his backyard--Marlow drives his “bug” for fuel costs of slightly more than a penny a mile. The car “warms up” on diesel fuel, but in a couple of minutes he switches to grease gleaned in his “backyard refinery.” (Another switch is into throw-away clothes from Goodwill he dons for the procedure.)

On average, more than three gallons of his concoction is burned per gallon of diesel. He collects the residue from restaurants near his San Angelo, TX, home….

Reclamation firms pay cafes only about a penny a gallon for the goop, but he jars loose with a dime. Usually picking up 50 gallons at a time, he clips a five-spot to his business card, scrawling “thanks” across the top.

While the rest of us carp about high gasoline prices, here’s a guy cheerfully spending 900% more than required for fill-ups….

But that he could have learned of this system sooner! He and his wife, Lana, have been chasing educational goals for more than a decade. The chases have involved a heap of commuting.

They met while pursuing master’s degrees at Pittsburg State University in Kansas. Upon completion, they accepted faculty assignments at Southwest Texas Junior College in Uvalde. For four years, she drove three hours each way twice weekly to complete a doctorate at the University of Texas….

At roughly the same time, he was driving thrice weekly to San Antonio pursuing a doctoral degree at Incarnate Word University, often logging 900 miles a week. She’s been teaching at Angelo State University for more than a year, and now, with his doctorate pending dissertation approval, there soon will be two “Drs. Marlow.”

Alas, Johnathan’s commuting will continue….

This fall, he was named associate professor of communication at Howard Payne University, 105 miles away in Brownwood. Thanks to cutting driving costs, it “computes” for him to make the trip three times weekly.

He teaches four classes. That’s 12 hours each week, roughly the time he spends driving “to and from” each MWF….

Marlow says he’s long been interested in conservation and recycling, but didn’t dream that he could install the kit himself. “I didn’t even know how to raise the hood, but in a couple of days I was able to complete the project.” So far, his car has performed perfectly. He’s been warned, though, that when he uses grease from doughnut shops, he may risk being tracked by police officers….

He’s a disciple for recycling, and goes online regularly at greasecar.com, a site where a growing number of recyclers share experiences.

Marlow is convinced that it’s a “win/win” deal, since the new fuel source has zero pollution, and there’s a bunch of it around. “Think of it,” he shares. “We are boosting a product produced by farmers, and we could tell foreign sheiks where to get off--that we don’t need their oil anymore….”

I told Marlow about a friend who decades ago pulled a prank on a guy who re-defined parsimony. He was plain stingy; he’d climb over gates to save hinges. Convinced that the VW’s would be economical to operate, he bought one. He dominated conversations, bragging about his 40 MPG.

My friend and his cohorts tired of his blustering. So, they started secretly adding a gallon of gas weekly for a month or so, and the mileage shot up into the 50’s. Then, they reversed the process, “stealing” a gallon each week. Mileage, of course, dipped under 30. The guy was so hard on the automobile dealer, the friends decided to end the prank, and all was well again.

Marlow smiled….

Dr. Newbury is a speaker and author in the

Metroplex. His column appears weekly in 125 newspapers in six states. He invites comments

and inquiries by phone,

817-447-3872, or by email, newbury@speakerdoc.com His website:

www.speakerdoc.com