Clearance sale on flu vaccine?

They’ve still got the “come in and make free cell phone calls” sign in the store window. The manager hadn’t figured on “phone abuse” being a factor, but then, he hadn’t figured on my Uncle Mort dropping in weekly either. They say he’s started wearing a mustache, dark glasses and a toupee so they won’t know it’s him, at least not right off.

Actually, they can hear him coming. When he rounds the corner, the riding mower is a dead giveaway. Mort is one of the rare Americans who took it seriously when gasoline prices first went to three figures. He sold his old truck and bought the mower, though there’s no lawn to mow out where he lives….

“Gas at $2 a gallon makes me keep the mower tuned up most of the time,” he laughed. “I never dreamed I’d see the day that a gallon of gas and a cup of coffee at the truck stop cost the same.”

This day, though, he wanted mostly to talk about flu shots. For the past six months, he and Aunt Maude have been confused about availability of vaccine….

In the fall of the year, she hops on the mower with him, always at an early hour. She is embarrassed to ride on a “mower built for two” and figures that traveling before daylight minimizes gawking.

Flu shots are “musts,” and they were surprised to see a throng of people already lined up at the drugstore. Alas, they ran plumb out of vaccine when Mort and Maude were next in line….

“My mind’s been reeling all winter about the vaccine, wondering if the U.S. has a thimble full or 14 freighters of serum waiting to be unloaded,” he joked. (Oh no, I thought. When Mort mentions “reeling,” serious fishing talk comes next. Almost all of his conversations wind up with…“a lot like fishing.”)

“Yeah, flu vaccine’s a lot like fishing,” he said. “Sometimes it seems like there’s not a fish in the county, and other times, they practically jump in the boat….”

Typically, Mort keeps a pretty tight line, but on the vaccine issue, lines can go from taut to tangled in short order. Who knows how much serum we’ve got?

Uncle Mort’s keen on bargains and sharp with the pencil. Earlier this month, he saw an ad about flu shots—“two for the price of one.” He offered cash, saying that he and Maude would visit early in October to get the injections.

“Fine,” the pharmacist said. “I just hope next year’s flu strain will respond to this year’s serum.” Mort grabbed his money and changed the subject….

Changing of subjects is one of his specialties. “Why does Houston always get to be first?” he questioned.

“First in what?” I asked.

“First in having to change the name of their baseball park,” Mort said….

I could see where this was heading. Texas’ two professional baseball teams both have shiny new facilities. And it looks like both clubs may be batting .000 in granting naming rights to companies that stay afloat.

“Enron Field” signs came down in warp speed when the Houston company went up in smoke. The Houston Astros now play at Minute Maid Park. (Yes, in Houston it’s possible that players are juiced, baseballs are juiced and fans are juiced….)

In Arlington, Texas, home of the Texas Rangers, Ameriquest Field is ripe for a name change if fraudulent business practices alleged against the firm in 25 states hold up. Ameriquest Mortgage Company has agreed to pay up to $50 million in a class action suit for “computer glitches”--without acknowledgment of liability, of course….

“They would do well to offer naming rights by the month, and just put the company names in chalk on blackboards,” Mort suggests. “At least they’ve got something to talk about in the Metroplex besides steroids.”

I could hear the store manager muttering in the background—something about whether Uncle Mort’s driveway goes all the way to the street. Really, he has no driveway and no street either. He just parks his mower wherever it runs out of gas….

Dr. Newbury is a speaker and author. His weekly humor column appears in 125 newspapers in six states. His website is www.speakerdoc.com He invites comments by phone at 817-447-3872 or by e-mail, newbury@speakerdoc.com